Moving back into my home was a mixed blessing, I had a few reasons to be happy but seeing the condition of the property and how the tenant left it was very saddening. I have a garden that is reasonably tidy with stone paths, bbq areas, lighting in the trees and music through the gardens all the way down to the river in the back yard. I returned to the Amazon, it was so overgrown I needed a machete to find and remake the paths I once had.
This was it, the last straw, I decided I can’t do it again, every time I go somewhere I return to this and the cycle starts over again. I decided to sell my house, it has been my home for nearly 16 year but at the same time the anchor around my neck. I organized an agent and put it on the market. Now, to start the big tidy up so it will look respectable.
I have been asked for the first time to photograph a tango festival in Sydney,
I am happy
that finally someone has asked for me to help and that they believe in my ability. The festival came and went, I had taken some great photos and exhibited some of my work for the first time ever in this country. For the first time ever I actually felt like an artist. For me, this is a great feeling.
From what I remember Christmas was ok. I slept a lot and relaxed, ate a little excessively but only for a day or two
I painted a little, saw friends and danced some tango.
I am back to work for the same company. I have been told I will be here for a while until they get organised and train a few new tradesmen to replace the ones that left last year. For now it is good for me. Many of the staff are surprised to see me as they know I have a dream and I want to follow it.
For now I will keep saving until an opportunity comes along.
I continued to do my workshops, they have helped me feel better and I continued to learn about myself. The part I felt was bad was I had all this energy and no reason to wake up so it was a waste to feel good, I found all I did was work and sleep, and if I could not sleep I stayed n bed in a dark room until I had to wake up for work. This behavior was worrying me a little. I know depression is normal and dealt with differently by everyone. I had no reason to live. I was not suicidal, not this time. I just had no reason to wake up and did not care if I did or not, I even told the universe to let me die but I figured it did not want
me up there because it would have to accept me back and it did not want that. The universe was too proud to admit I was a mistake.
Regardless of what the truth may have been I am stubborn and I was not going to give up on myself even though the universe had (or so I felt). That sort of worked and kept me going.
I have been busy wondering how to make what I want work. My book has sold reasonable well, I have copies in 4 countries now, I am pleased with this. I need to learn how to sell things, I am so challenged in this area that I feel like giving up. I have contacted every book distributor in Australia and a few overseas. I received about 4 replies immediately say the book was not suitable for their market, a few helped by suggesting a website which I had already used to find them. I was happy they took the time to reply and help.
I have lost my faith in most things I have believed inbecause everything I worked towards seems to have fallen apart and I’m doing my best to not feel like a failure. I have lost faith in the universe and I am very angry at it. I want to have faith but feel betrayed by the universe (GOD) and by myself. I know that what I am going through will make me stronger and teach me a few lessons I have needed to learn for years I guess but when you
are in the middle of it all it is hard to see the light.
All I feel is disappointment and hatred of myself and the universe. I feel that the universe has been playing a mean joke on me. I had everything I wanted and it was all good for me and for others and then like a bad boyit was taken away from me, punished and sent to adark naughty corner.
I am still working at the moment, it is paying the bills but I am not happy. Why must I do what I am good at? I want to do what ‘I love’ not what I am good at. I did it last year for months. it was amazing, now I have gone backwards with no way of turning it around. I hope I am wrong.
It was getting close to closing time on the competition. I had checked the book and found a few more errors so I decided to resubmit it. ‘If a job is worth doing it is worth doing well’.
I am finally happy with the book and now to start looking for printers and some finer details.
I had been speaking to “K” a little less and less, this was sad, it seems the distance and time had taken its toll.
The next day I had an email that sounded very positive and that it may help me, hmmmm, is this a sign, after all I did askfor help, the day after that I was worried
about my finances again and I knew I had to fix that and asked for help, In an unexpected twist I managed to make a decision that had taken near 5 years in 15 minutes.This actually took care of several challenges at once, my finances, home, pets, cleaning and de-cluttering to mention the most obvious ones.
I decided to move from my house and rent it short term until I am in a better position.
This was the start of getting what I asked for, I am not sure exactly what to expect but I know where I will end up. I am looking forward to the challenges and improvements. I know I am far from being where I want but there was now something positive happening. I know I had to work on myself and improve a few [or is it a lot of issues in my deep dark subconscious?].
I did some work on myself and decided I liked what had changed in me. I decided to continue doing more to rid myself of nagging behavior which I had been noticing over the years. I spoke to “K” and she had said that there had been a positive shift in me since the first workshop I did.
best birthday I can ever remember. I celebrated with “K” at midnight, she chatted to me and wished me a happy birthday at midnight my time. [I was very happy]. I had just uploaded my book to the competition and was pleased to have finally submitted it.If you told me a photo book was such hard work a few months ago I would have laughed. This was a double celebration for me. WOO HOO! Late in the day I chatted to “K” once again and continued the celebrations, the next day I must have been the luckiest man in the world, I got to celebrate my birthday once again at midnight Mexican time, I got to have one and a half birthdays. “Gracias Hermosa”
I continued working on my book and found a few small errors, typos mostly and little things.
I was still worried about my money situation, I felt so confident that it was going to work but at the same time could not see how it was going to happen. I was thinking of what I could do, is there anything I could improve on. This may be valid as far as feelings go but I also knew that focusing on the negative questions was a bad thing, it only helped me to see the bad and not the good possibilities.
The end of the financial year came, for the first time in a long time I was almost organized, I only had to check a few figures and give it to the accountant.
I have been working on my book for a few weeks now, I
have sorted through around 18,000 photos of Argentine tango, [my eyes feel square and I am a bit crazier, haha].
I am down to the best 500 photos and need to get down to about 200 so I have a good base to start from. A week later I am down to 194 photos. [It’s about time]. I have sent out a few hundred emails to ask for permission to use the photos.
I had a great response, most people answered in the
first few days and a few well, the rest of the month.
I was very happy with the response. I received many
supportive YES answers and only a few others. Now,
time to start designing the layout of the book.
I have been chatting to “K” nearly every day for the last 6 months, it is amazing how having someone’s love and support on your journey, makes the hard times seem easy. I have been getting stressed since I returned home and the book is pushing me to new limits.
March was a good month. I felt productive and like I was on track. I finally announced my web sites to friends and was happy to see the sites get lots of visits. I was a long tedious task sorting and editing photos, also rewriting my journal so I could add it to my blog. It is nice to have positive feedback, even though you know the some of the people leaving feedback it still feels nice and reassuring.
I sent souvenirs to some friends and was pleasantly surprise to see they arrive in 2 weeks although one has not arrived yet. There was an earthquake and tsunami in Japan, I am sure you all know a little about this, the day after there were conspiracy videos online explain who may be responsible and why. Interesting that people spend so much time doing this, is it real or not? They are obviously passionate about this or have an unusual sense of humour. I guess for now we will never know. I would rather focus on what I do know an aim for my target.
I received an email from a book company I have been looking into for a photo book competition. I have decided to enter a book into this competition. I am excited. I was planning a book but not this one. Now to sort through lots of photos and organise them to tell some kind of story, now I feel the hardest part will be writing a very short story to compliment the photos, [I wonder if my old English teacher will visit me from her grave?]
I been busy experimenting with affiliate marketing, I am not sure how it will go with it. I am finding it a big challenge to understand lots of the terminology and to look for way to promote some offers. Marketing and sales are not my strongest attributes.
I am beginning to consider my finances as so far I have earned little money and my savings are going down every day. This is one more challenge I need to deal with. Getting a part time job until things build up is an option but I don’t want to take this one up, yet. Dealing with some of the emotional challenges has been difficult. Staying positive is occasionally a challenge, yes even for me, I must be human after all, it helps when you have support from a few trusted friends. Thanks.
I woke up early, (10 am is earlier that 11 30 am), I had to go to Abasto today to pay for a short trip to Mendoza, I was going on a short excursion with 2 friends from the tango house. I have never been there before and I am taking advantage of another opportunity which has presented itself. After paying for the bus I went for a walk to take more photos of signs, (yes it may sound boring but small things amuse me).
I was meeting some new friends I had met at the New Years’ milonga for a class and a dance. I went to the class and pulled up in front of an old shop with the shutter half open. I crawled under it and walked inside to see this wide open space that looked a gallery and stairs leading down the middle to a lower level. Down stairs there was a lovely dance floor, the class was held here, for 3 and a half hours I danced and learnt a few new steps which I hope I can remember after tomorrow.
I then met with a friend to go to a milonga which I have never been to so this is good I am stepping out of my comfort zone. It was a little bit away from town, maybe 20 minutes by taxi. After arriving we go upstairs and sit with some friends, it is pretty empty. I was told
this is because of the holidays. It is not a tourist milonga and relies on the locals whom I have been told are away for Christmas holidays, it was fun because my friends were there but otherwise it would have been boring. My friend and I left around 1.30 am to go to another milonga but it was closed so we went to a café and had some supper and chatted, swapping travel stories for a while, then I went home to check EBay, the price is the same, then I went to sleep.
Once again I woke late, wrote, lazed a little too much and chatted. I checked my bandoneon on EBay, so far the price was the same, it has not moved, this could be the calm before the storm (sounds like me), there could be snipers waiting for the last minute, only time will tell, 3 ½ days to go. I went for my usual walk and returned to relax before the milonga.
I danced with one lady, I thought she had slow reflexes. The first song was nice, I did my best to connect but couldn’t quiet work it out, we chatted between songs (as you do) and she explained she had Parkinson disease, she asked if I could give her a few seconds notice in my leads so she had time to react and follow, I have never thought about this before, I knew little about the
disease only knowing it affected how people moved. I slowed myself down and gave more sooner and clearer leads this helped a little but I had to give the lead sooner still and we connected better as the tanda went on. We sat for a few minutes and spoke about what she is doing to educate people about the disease and she asked me to take some photos of her dancing during the night for a presentation she was giving. I took some photos of her and we exchanged emails. I had a great night dancing and left with a new unexpected experience.
The story of David (Storm) Allison, a man that has decided to follow the dream he has had for 40 years.
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