Category Archives: My Personal Journey

A Drive To Queensland.

I had an offer from my tango teacher friend to join her in

"Beware of the dark" This is a 3D painting/ sculpture, where the darkness swipes unexpectedly while you are in a peaceful state.
“Beware of the dark” This is a 3D painting/ sculpture, where the darkness swipes unexpectedly while you are in a peaceful state.

Germany and travel with her and teach for a while. This was a tempting offer but was still not financial enough to do it comfortably but also doubted my ability to do it and make money from it.  [I really need to work on my self-confidence].

A friend was returning from Buenos Aires and we got chatting and she wanted to go to Queensland and visit her dad. My current contract had ended so I was between jobs. I offered to pick her up at the airport and drive her up north for the visit, why not? It has been awhile since my last holiday and I wanted to relax a little. So it was on I will pick her up in a week and go for a drive, it is only 1200 Km’s.

"Behind the mask" This is a 3d painting/ sculpture, when a shadow is cast over the picture or the lights are turned off the eyes illuminate, this can be seen in the top rhs photo. The mask represents different sides of every person alive, we all have them even if we don't believe so.
“Behind the mask” This is a 3d painting/ sculpture, when a shadow is cast over the picture or the lights are turned off the eyes illuminate, this can be seen in the top rhs photo. The mask represents different sides of every person alive, we all have them even if we don’t believe so.

I had an interview for another short term contract and was offered the position, the timing works out well, I start 2 days after I return from Queensland. I can’t ask for better than that. “You always get what you ask for, just not how you expect it”

While in Queensland I visited some family for a few hours and then continued to my friends dads place. While we were there we went for a dance and some site seeing, I caught up with some friends and relaxed. I went to a sit down 4 course wine tasting meal at about a third of the price because the friends cousin knew the organizer and wanted to fill the last few seats. Well, I can say it was a lovely relaxing night.

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Business Idea.

I had been looking into my idea for the tour guide business,

Roots in a small stream at Ellenborough falls.
Roots in a small stream at Ellenborough falls.

I knew I would need to organise a few things, I looked at the NSW parks and wild life service website to see if I needed a license for what I had in mind. I am a challenged read and find websites so hard to read and follow, I ended up calling and speaking to a real person. It is always better to speak to a real person that a cold machine or website. Well; most of the time it is. I had the information I needed, this was a little disappointing because the license requires I give times, dates, and locations I plan to take tourists.

I registered the domain and business name I wanted, I did a little more research, I designed the stationary and looked into contracts and most things where easy to organise, insurance was not too difficult to get and so on. Now I am ready to go but; I am still lacking one thing;

my self-confidence and I am not sure where I was headed in the future. Could I really do it?

Dragonfly on maleluca.
Dragonfly on maleluca.

I feel I need to find my place in the world before I settle on a new business, why start something when I may not be here for long, I don’t mean death but here in Sydney, I am not happy here and feel like a stranger in my own home. To start a business here that will tie me down for who knows how long, may not a good idea, would it? But maybe that is what I need to have sense of belonging.

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The Drive Home.

One morning I sat on the balcony having coffee

Having breakfast with me were some bees.
Having breakfast with me were some bees.

and had my camera at the ready in case some wild life was to appear for a photo session. There were many lorikeets flying about and bees. I managed to get a nice snap of 2 bees hovering over some flowers and a distant butterfly sunning itself in a leaf. I later drove to town that day and walked along the river. It was about lunch time for the local birds Corellas and Galahs) as

Not sure if this Corella is doing karaoke or a Groucho Marx impersonation.
Not sure if this Corella is doing karaoke or a Groucho Marx impersonation.

they gathered in the trees above me to eat the fruit. I was lucky, I was able to photograph them up close and personal. I was considering were life was heading and what can I do to follow my dream and do what I love. I thought of an idea that would allow me some travel and a way to help people learn about themselves while learning new skills. This had the potential to take me to other countries. [Hmmm sounds like a plan]. It was the end of my break. I was feeling good, I started to relax, finally,  it took about 3 days to happen. I packed the car and started my drive back to Sydney, I was thinking a little about my idea and what I will need to organize. I will need to do some research when I return to Sydney. I was half way home when I notice smoke in the distance, it was a truck fire. I stopped and saw the driver was ok. It was a car carrier and

A Galah having a bite to eat.
A Galah having a bite to eat.

somehow one of the cars caught fire and it started to spread to the other cars. I pulled out my camera and snapped a few shots of the cars as the flames spread, the rubber melted and pops of tyres exploding. When I returned to Sydney a friend suggested I sell the photos. Good idea I had not thought of this. I sold one photo and this paid for my week away. I need to do more of this.

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Port Macquarie.

Flynns Beach at night. Port Macquarie NSW Australia.
Flynns Beach at night. Port Macquarie NSW Australia.

I am ready to go away [sort of], I decided to take lots of things with me (my camera equipment, PC, paints and canvases to mention a few things) so that I can do anything I choose should I feel like doing it. I am driving up so why not make use of the room in the car.

It was a nice day for a drive and there was little traffic which makes the long drive more enjoyable. It is only 4.5 hours north of Sydney and mostly highway all the way. I was trying my phone GPS for the first time in an area which I knew little about. I had a laugh when my GPS could not find the road I was on and it was going in circles. I can’t blame it after all it was a new road and it has not been update to the maps yet. I actually find that using a GPS can be quite fun, I sometimes take wrong turns just it will tell me to turn back or to do a ‘U’ turn.

Ellenborough falls. Near Port Macquarie NSW Australia,
Ellenborough falls. Near Port Macquarie NSW Australia,

I then have the choice to argue with it and go the way I want to anyway. Sort of like driving with your wife in the car I have been told

I had a good time while I was away. I spent one morning at dawn on the beach taking photos of the sunrise and surf crashing onto the rocks. Another night I went to Flynns beach and took photos of the surf by moonlight. Early one morning about 3 am I went for a drive to Ellenborough Falls.  It was a good, part of the road was sealed and the rest was a dirt road. It gave the GPS a nice work out, I never thought about the GPS showing me the corners of the road but it did the job well. I stayed at the falls for half the day taking photos from different positions of the valley. Apparently they are one highest vertical drop falls in the southern hemisphere, [really?], they drop 160 metres. That is an impressive height I guess but pity there is not

Iguazu  falls. On the border of Argentina and Brazil.
Iguazu falls. On the border of Argentina and Brazil.

as much water as Iguazu Falls in Argentina which drops 82 metres, They did not seem that high to me, must be the lack of water, (like the logic of a 10 year old boy, it goes faster because it is red). I climbed down to nearly under the falls to get some nice photos, although it was challenging with the slight breeze and the spray of the water on my lens, I managed a few nice photos.

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Who Wants To Go Away For A Week?

"Fight for Light" When you least expect it the dark will find you. With holographic eyes this picture will follow you and almost jump at you. The horns also protrude from the canvas creating sense of realism.

I have been working and having ups and downs, things are a bit of a blur but they feel reasonably positive.

I have continued with my painting, some of          my paintings are slightly lighter than the     previous ones. I guess this means I am feeling better. They have more colour in them, I am using less black.

I have started to think about the week away I have planned in March. I will be going to Port Macquarie on the north coast of NSW Australia. I have invited a few people I know to join me for a free week away, why not? I have a 4 people apartment and I am alone, I am happy to share the space even if we do our own things. Unfortunately no one took up the offer.

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My Demons Are Showing.

I am back at work with a small sense of I will not be there for long and that I was there for a reason. OK. If that is true what is or are the reason/s?

“Behind the mask” This is a 3d painting/ sculpture, when a shadow is cast over the picture or the lights are turned off the eyes illuminate, this can be seen in the top rhs photo. The mask represents different sides of every person alive, we all have them even if we don’t believe so.

I have been painting for a few weeks and put many feelings and experiences onto canvas in an abstract fashion, a few were 3 dimensional, part sculpture and painting and one had some electronics added to power illuminated eyes. I think my painting is helping me feel better. I seem to have managed a few interesting paintings, not quite what I envisioned but sort of more intriguing and even more accurate than planned. 2 paintings in particular have actually scared a few people. I guess this means I have managed to get some of my emotions (demons) into them.

"Well Disguised" Number 3 in the series. Somethings are not what they seem. Old proverb: 'One who is clothed in good deeds is well disguised'

I still have little faith left in myself and my beliefs. This is sad because a year ago I would have said that it was all working for me, now I feel like maybe I had mislead people I cared for by my beliefs even though a few say I helped change their lives for the better. I hope I am just going through one of the universes tests and I do hope I pass it. Is any of this worth it? I am not sure but I know I cannot live how I have been as I do not want to exist doing what I am good at without loving it or at the least enjoying it, I want to do what I love.

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I Decided To Paint My Demons.

Well I was in a job still after a few months now,

"Clash of light" My first painting since 1993. I wanted to paint the demons that I have been dealing with for a while now. This is the struggle of light trying to beat the dark.

I did not love it and it was a challenge due to a lot of professional reasons but I know I could handle it, it really tested a person, I saw so many tradesmen walk through and say they will not work there. If it was not for the money I would be out of there as the factory was a potential death trap. Not just my opinion but the fact that the last 3 Tradesmen where hospitalised due to accidents onsite.

I have continued self-development and learnt more about myself. One thing I learnt was something I would never have guessed in a million years. I noticed a definite shift in myself after this revelation.

I organised a week away for late March 2012, not because I wanted to but some of my time share was due to expire. I hope I am in the mood for it by March.

Christmas was coming and I felt better but still sad. What would do with myself?

I have time off and I am alone and feel like I don’t belong. The day before Christmas I decided to buy a few canvases so I could paint if I get the urge, I have said this for years but never bought the canvas. When I moved I put my old paints in a separate box and

"The Dawn" This is the realisation of something good out there somewhere or is it in oneself? The turning point of ones reality.

kept them somewhere I could easily get to.

Well, Christmas came and went. I woke the next day feeling good and sort of positive; well, much more positive than the last 6 months. I grabbed my paints, brushes and canvas and painted, I am not a trained artist and the last time painted was 19 years ago. I throw the paints on the canvas and rolled it on to come up with my first painting. I decided to paint my demons. Next thing I know is I was painting every day.

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To Live Or Not.

A photo from my book 'Tango Expressions'.

I continued to do my workshops, they have helped me feel better and I continued to learn about myself. The part I felt was bad was I had all this energy and no reason to wake up so it was a waste to feel good, I found all I did was work and sleep, and if I could not sleep I stayed n bed in a dark room until I had to wake up for work. This behavior was worrying me a little. I know depression is normal and dealt with differently by everyone. I had no reason to live. I was not suicidal, not this time. I just had no reason to wake up and did not care if I did or not, I even told the universe to let me die but I figured it did not want


A photo from my book 'Tango Expressions'.

me up there because it would have to accept me back and it did not want that. The universe was too proud to admit I was a mistake.

Regardless of what the truth may have been I am stubborn and I was not going to give up on myself even though the universe had (or so I felt). That sort of worked and kept me going.

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I feel it’s been a joke.

The front cover of my book ' Tango Expressions'

I have been busy wondering how to make what I want work. My book has sold reasonable well, I have copies in 4 countries now, I am pleased with this. I need to learn how to sell things, I am so challenged in this area that I feel like giving up. I have contacted every book distributor in Australia and a few overseas. I received about 4 replies immediately say the book was not suitable for their market, a few helped by suggesting a website which I had already used to find them. I was happy they took the time to reply and help.

I have lost my faith in most things I have believed in because everything I worked towards seems to have fallen apart and I’m doing my best to not feel like a failure. I have lost faith in the universe and I am very angry at it. I want to have faith but feel betrayed by the universe (GOD) and by myself. I know that what I am going through will make me stronger and teach me a few lessons I have needed to learn for years I guess but when you

El Puchu y Lidia dancing Tango in Buenos Aires.

are in the middle of it all it is hard to see the light.

All I feel is disappointment and hatred of myself and the universe. I feel that the universe has been playing a mean joke on me. I had everything I wanted and it was all good for me and for others and then like a bad boy it was taken away from me, punished and sent to a dark naughty corner.

I am still working at the moment, it is paying the bills but I am not happy. Why must I do what I am good at? I want to do what ‘I love’ not what I am good at. I did it last year for months. it was amazing, now I have gone backwards with no way of turning it around. I hope I am wrong.

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My Books Are In The Country.

My books have arrived in the country and I need to organise an agent to get them delivered, this takes a few days and I have the books delivered to my door. I am happy with the result and a little relieved also, I had lost money in the past from doing business overseas. The only thing I did not like about my book was the paper used was not as requested, this was a small disappointment but had an advantage, it weighed 20 grams less

Storm 'El Gaucho Canguru' dancing Tango Argentino.

this lowers the postage price of the book so it will be cheaper when people are ordering.

I have more or less settled into my new home, this has been ok. I have also been working to pay my debts, as much as I did not want to I had to return to my trade. I feel disappointed in myself for where I am now but I believe that in the big picture this is a good thing.

I continued doing self-improvement courses; this has helped me a lot I have learnt more about myself and how some of my baggage has stopped me moving forwards. I also realise I have a lot further to go and wonder if I will ever get there.

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